5 Things I Never Thought I Would Say

I never thought I would say
At first they are like…
I never thought I would say
But then they are like…

Even before I brought my bundles of joy home from the hospital, I spent hours gazing at their peaceful, innocent faces; inhaled their ‘new baby smell’ like it was the only breathable air in the universe; and snuggling their soft, butterball bodies.  In these beautiful moments, I felt as if I was as close to seeing the face of God as I would ever be in this life.  In these sweet moments, I never thought I would say:

5.  “You’re going to get pee on his butt!”

We have three toilets in our house, but for some reason the boys only want to use the bathroom someone else is using at the moment.  I guess it’s kind of like that toy someone else is playing with: it must be cooler than the toys not being playing with… so you want it.  Anyway, as I was passing by the bathroom, I noticed one boy sitting on the pot and another boy trying to aim a stream behind the sitting boy.  I yelled, “You’re going to get pee on his butt!”, which startled him… so he peed on his brother’s butt.  I wish they would remember to close the bathroom door so I wouldn’t have to witness these things.

4.  “Junk food. I bought junk food for breakfast.”

Early pregnancies are hard on me, but I usually made the effort to feed the kids responsibly.  One morning I discovered we were out of milk, so I ran to the corner store for a couple of gallons and grabbed some donuts while I was there.  When I got home, the kids asked, “What’s for breakfast?”  I answered, “Junk food. I bought junk food for breakfast.”  I was expecting glee from my kids, but instead my four-year-old exclaimed, “That’s disgusting!”

3. “We DO NOT pee on pillows!”

I don’t know what they were fighting about after being sent to bed one night, but in a fit of rage, one brother decided to pee on the other’s pillow.  I was too shocked to care about the specifics of the situation, and the only thing I could manage to spit out was, “We do not pee on pillows!” before handing the situation off to my husband.

2. “Don’t kill your brother in the kitchen; go kill him outside.”

The boys love to play around, and sometimes it gets physical (imagine two wet noodles fighting for dominance).  While I was furiously trying to concentrate on the book I was reading, a playful ‘cry’ broke into my consciousness… “Help! Mom, he’s trying to kill me!” This was Number 4 attempting to get his little brother into trouble.  The general rule of the kitchen is that if you’re not eating, cooking, or cleaning, then get out.  Since they had finished their snack, or perhaps because I was pregnant and tired, I yelled at Number 5, “Don’t kill your brother in the kitchen; go kill him outside.”

 1. “Good news, our son won’t be a good kidnapper when he grows up!”

On our way to do something vague, we piled the boys in the car after school and drove to our daughter’s bus stop to pick her up.  We were in a time crunch and thought if we grabbed her at the bus stop, we wouldn’t have to wait for her to walk home (her bus stop is much further and a little later than the boy’s).  As we loitered on the side of the road, we noticed drivers passing us were giving us ‘looks’.  Maybe we started to talk about stalkers and child-predators, I don’t know.  When my daughter finally did get off the bus, our 10-year-old leaned out the window and called “Hey little girl – do you have any candy?”

What are your “I never thought I would say” stories?  Leave them in the COMMENTS section!


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